Baby L,
It's kind of interesting that the weather seems to be picking up on my mood today. All week it was gorgeous and warm, but today the skies are crying, too. And it's cold. I know that you are around. I know that you are always around. I see you and I feel you in so many parts of my life, so many places that I go. It snowed in early April, and I knew that it was you. I needed comfort that day, and you were there. Every time the wind blows, I hear your presence in the wind chime. Jack Jack loves it! He says, "wind chime!" every time. Like he can never ignore it. Your brother would have loved you fiercely. He is still obsessed with babies.
It wasn't supposed to be this way, and I'm having a lot of resentment lately. The fact that you're not here, but you're supposed to be here, is something entirely impossible for me to wrap my head around. I know that you are all around, but you're not here. I have a lot of internal battles with this. I go into work every day and feel angry, like I shouldn't be here. I should be home, holding my newborn baby, sleep-deprived yet so fulfilled. I'm having a really hard time wanting to be at work. Again, it's that internal battle.
But you have brought us so many blessings, that much I know. I can feel you all around, and I know that you are looking out for your entire family. It may not be snowing in May, but I hear you in the wind, and I see you in the sky. Sometimes Jack will say silly things out of nowhere like, "baby!". I stop and have to think he sees you. I am a little jealous that he may see you and I cannot. You are truly our guardian angel, and you will always always be a part of our little family. No matter the expansion of our family, whatever that may bring, you will always be our second born son.
This was probably one of the hardest, darkest winters of our lives, but with Spring comes renewal. On my birthday this year, April 24, we were walking out the front door to go to dinner with Jack Jack and he stopped us. "Butterfly!". Kids are amazing, we would have never seen it or paid mind to it, sitting quietly and camoflauged in the grass. Jack made us stop and admire this little butterfly. It was seemingly all black, but when it opened its wings, it was a beautiful blue. Baby L, I know that this was you, and that you will continue to show up for our family when it matters. We love and miss you endlessly, little one. Thank you for the blessings you have already sent our way. We will forever cherish you, and your short time here.
Love, Mommy
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