Well here I am. Back to work after my second maternity leave. I feel very fortunate to have been able to stay home with Ava for nearly four months, but also extremely resentful that my special time with my second born is cut so short. Why do we not have better paid maternity leave? It’s amazing to me that going back to work and paying for two kids in full time care makes more sense than staying home. It’s actually gut wrenching. (And most of my leave was unpaid)
I’m trying my best to stay positive about being back in a routine, seeing people and having adult conversations again, but I’m still feeling the resentment of having to go back. Like I don’t have a choice. I had to choose work. I had to choose money. I don’t get to be with my baby girl full time because life is just too damn expensive.
I think I’m also having a much harder time this time around because we’re thinking this is probably our last baby. So my last leave. My last time to be home with my babies with no other stressors, just keeping them alive! I of course get summers every summer with my kiddos if I stay in teaching as a career, and I cherish those summers so much, but for this moment in time, I’m having an incredibly hard time.
Sleep deprived, postpartum hormones raging, pumping every three hours (when I can). Yeah, it’s not glorious. And I’m trying to give myself grace- but when you’re a teacher you pretty much have to be on at all times. It’s exhausting without the external factors, and I’m just really struggling.
I know that I will eventually get back into a routine again and it will get easier, and I hope that day is very soon! I miss feeling like myself and I hope that I get that back again.
Sorry that this is not a very positive post, but it’s unconditionally honest! If you’re a mama going back to work soon, I wish I could hug you and tell you it’s going to be okay! It will be, it just sucks right now.
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