Are you even a mom if you’ve never thought about the possibility of tumbling down the stairs with your baby in your arms? I’m just kidding, but seriously. Since postpartum with Jack, my first, I have had so many different intrusive thoughts entering the back and front of my mind. It’s amazing where our brains can go, and so disturbing. It’s something I’ve really never talked about with anyone, yet it’s so incredibly common for postpartum mamas.
I was sitting rocking Ava on the glider one day, and it popped into my head that maybe someone could drive by our house right now, shooting a gun. I immediately got up and took her to a bedroom that faced the back of the house. Even though the sane part of ny brain knew that this was such an unlikely scenario to play out, we live in an incredibly safe neighborhood, the intrusive thought overcame my mind and won. They usually do. I have thoughts like this playing over and over sometimes. It can be so incredibly mentally challenging. I’ve literally began crying in the car more than once thinking about getting in an accident with the kids in the car and not being able to get to them.
There are so many that come to mind that I can’t even write them all down. Fires, walking too close to the walls and hitting my baby’s head by accident, intruders. You name it, I’ve probably thought about it and already planned my escape, attack, or how to deal with it. Why exactly do these thoughts occur, though? I wish they would simply just go away. But I have to think if I didn’t love my babies so very much, I wouldn’t have fears of losing them, in the worst way. I’m not sure how I’ll ever let my kids drive away in a car one day, let alone have other people drive them in a car? Or a school bus?! How do mothers survive all of this? Thinking about it makes me nauseous. I would love to think that one day I won’t feel this way, but I think I’ll always worry as a mama, the worries just change as they grow!
This is probably such a controversial topic, but that’s what I’m here for. Have you ever had an intrusive thought? A reoccurring one? I would love to hear more about it.
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