Listen, I will sometimes give advice that I am still working on taking myself. Please learn from own mistakes. That is part of the reason I am writing in the first place, so other mama's don't struggle the way I did. Learning to accept help is super hard, especially for someone with my personality. In the beginning, I was hell-bent on proving that I could do it all myself. I think seeing others around me with so much support (dare I say taking advantage of their elderly parents & family) made me want to do the exact opposite. I never wanted to be a burden to my parents, and I certainly did not want my son to be a burden either. I wanted them to enjoy their time with Jack and not feel exhausted or burned out.
In the very beginning, my husband was home for the first two weeks. I remember those two weeks fondly. I wish that he was home even longer, and if it's an option for you-I highly recommend having your partner home in the beginning for as long as possible. The beginning can be dark and lonely and long. Looking back on the beginning, I would absolutely have Jake home longer on the next go-around. You truly need that support while you recover from either having a major surgery or pushing an entire human out of your body with all you've got. It is just NOT something you can do alone. Especially those first 6 weeks. I very vividly remember being deep in the trenches, counting down the hours until my husband would be home so I could pass off Jack to him and make dinner with my arms free for 30 minutes. I would even wash the dishes, clean the kitchen! Anything to just have a moment to myself during those long and tiring days (remember-it gets better!).
The hardest part about getting help for me was asking for the help. Sure, people would loosely offer their support. "We are always here to help" sure you are. "Whatever you need let me know"- that's a fan favorite. At the end of the day, if you truly need help, you really have to ask for it (something my husband and I have both always been pretty terrible at). I feel very fortunate and blessed that my husband and I have supportive family that also lives close by. That being said, their availability to help for Jack's first year of life wasn't exactly helpful in the ways that we really needed, and I did end up feeling like I was burdening them when I asked for anything, which wasn't even that often. When he was about 6-7 months we enrolled him in daycare, and it was the best decision we've ever made (not for our bank accounts, of course). His daycare providers have given us peace of mind and supported us in ways that our family could not at this time. So, when you are looking for help and support, remember it's not always in the form of family.
The bottom line is, you can NOT do it alone. It's actually f*cking impossible. Trust me, I've tried [and failed miserably]. I have been talking with a lot of mama's. Whether you are pregnant with your first, second, or have multiple at home, you need to ask for help. The term, "it takes a village" certainly is not a modern term. It comes from the beginning of time. It has always taken a tribe of members to care for a child (let alone multiple children). You physically, mentally, and emotionally need this support. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.
Figure out who your tribe will be ahead of time. Divvy up responsibilities, and don't forget to thank them profusely for their support. There is so much unknown that comes with having your first baby, sure. But, there is also so much you can prepare yourself for. Who will do the grocery shopping when baby arrives? Who will make the meals? Who will wash the bottles? How will you get much needed rest during the nighttime if the baby wants a feed every three hours? When sweet Aunt Susie asks if there's anything I can do, ask for a freezer meal (stock that f*cking freezer). When you go back to work, who will care for your child (make sure they are reliable). Making these decisions ahead of time will save you from the headache and exhaustion later, trust me. Yes, mamas are f*cking super humans, but we shouldn't have to be.
xo Courtney
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