It's amazing what feeling better physically can do for your mental health. I already knew this, but being in the thick of it absolutely sucked. Now that my physical health is [seemingly] on the mend this week, I feel like I have been able to finally physically move on from everything that happened 8 weeks ago (yes, I was still having physical symptoms from my miscarriage 8 weeks later-my doctor says I'm just special LOL).
I feel rejuvenated, and positive this weekend. I have had good conversations with family and friends who [unfortunately] understand my level of grief and loss on a very personal level. I feel that I now have the littlest bit of hope that perhaps the future isn't so gray after all. Whatever the future has in store for me and my little family, I'm trying to learn to accept the things I cannot control or change.
When we were in the hospital saying our goodbyes to Baby L, I prayed and asked our baby to show us little signs everywhere that he is around. I asked him during winter to show up as snow. And would you believe that this has been the snowiest winter we have had in many years (sorry to everyone who hates the snow! It's my fault). I remember one of my first few days going back to work (I went back only a few days after delivering our sleeping baby), walking down the back path to my classroom and little snowflakes just started lightly falling from the sky. I have seen this on multiple instances over the last few weeks, and I can't help but feel so overwhelmed with so many different emotions when it happens. I just know that it's our baby. I know he is around us, protecting us from above. It's also interesting, my mom lives the town over from us, and I'll send her the videos of the snowflakes and she has told me "that is so weird, it's not snowing here". Make it make sense!
I have had family and friends text me, telling me, "It's snowing here! Baby L is around!" and I love that more than anything. I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that our baby is up there looking down on us, protecting our family. From the beginning to the end of his very short time on this Earth and in my belly, he has and will always be our Angel.
xo Courtney
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