If you are a mom reading this, you understand what "Mom Guilt" is. If you are an expecting mother, you will learn quickly. Mom Guilt is real and [for me] it never goes away. I often talk to my own mother about Mom Guilt and she says she still experiences it as well, over thirty years later. It is tough. And the pressures that society puts on you with social media seems to almost exacerbate it at times. There's no real way around this feeling, but it's important to know that it's real, it's normal, and you are not alone.
There are many different forms that Mom Guilt comes in, and instead of a constant, current issue, it seems to come and go with time and situation. It's quite hard to explain to someone who has never been a mother or isn't quite there yet, you really have to be in it to get totally comprehend this. This is why words of encouragement and verbally being validated for what you are doing as a mother by others is so important, rather than the unsolicited, "have you tried this" or "oh he's sucking his thumb? Good luck knocking that habit". I know I cannot speak for every mom out there, but the type that I am, I am constantly second-guessing myself in everyday situations with Jack. Should I have said that differently to him? Did I put the sound machine loud enough for nap time? Did I dress him warmly enough for the weather we are having? Have I allowed too much screen time this week? These are just a couple examples of the daily questions that a mama has that can weigh heavily throughout the day.
But what really gets to me the most, and what has been getting to me the most very recently, is the constant outward opinions of others. I truly feel that the job of being a mother should be a no-judgment zone [outwardly]. I know this is nearly impossible, especially given the day and age we are in with social media. I, too, find myself scrolling through Instagram and sometimes perplexed by what I see parents doing with their children. However, to outwardly judge them, call them out on it, just doesn't seem fair. Every different family has an incredibly different dynamic and situation. So while I [or others] might not understand why they did XYZ, it's not for me [or others] to comment. And this is for all you judgmental not-even-moms out there-shut the fuck up & sit the fuck down. You have no idea what we're going through, you cannot even comprehend this season of life yet. Leave your judgments in your little small-minded brains and walk on by.
A more recent Mom Guilt moment that I have experienced actually comes second-hand from a coffee date I had with an old friend a few weeks ago. This is someone who I grew up with, and actually babysat me when I was younger. I have always looked up to this woman in many ways, and knew that one day she would be an incredible mother. She has been through so much in her lifetime, including beating breast cancer at an incredible young age and being an advocate for the breast cancer community. To me, she is the epitome of a strong, hardworking mama. In talking with her over coffee, I was honestly reminded of what a remarkably amazing woman she is. So, when hearing of the judgments that have been placed on her as a mother, it truly brought me to tears for her. As mothers, we will often have to make some incredibly difficult decisions for our children, especially while they are young. To have these decisions outwardly-and judgmentally- questioned, when we are likely questioning them ourselves, is absolutely gut-wrenching. To make things worse, when the people you love and trust the most are questioning these things, it's really hard to come back from. WE ARE ALREADY PUTTING THE GUILT ON OURSELVES, WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
There is no one-way to being a mother. The best thing you can do as a friend of someone who is a new mom or really any mother, is support her decisions, not judge them. You do not know what is going through her mind on a daily basis. You don't know how her morning went, wrestling to put the diaper on the poopy-rolling crocodile toddler whilst he screamed loud enough for the neighbors to question what's going on, making her resort Miss Rachel so she could finish her coffee in somewhat silence. So please, think before you speak to any mom, at any stage of mumming-because your words might be exactly what she is insecure about that day or week or month. And for all the mama's out there right now questioning anything you're doing today or this week or month-you are a rockstar and you are doing the best you can!
xo Courtney
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