There are so many crazy, wild, and beautiful things about postpartum. But yet another thing I was not mentally prepared for was mourning my life before I became a mom, and my guilt I felt about it. The moment I became pregnant my life forever changed. But the moment my son was born my identity completely changed. I became a mom. And it's my forever-favorite identity, I will always love this part of me more than anything. But coming home from the hospital with our son, to the home my husband and I shared together for 5 years, just us, brought a lot of emotion with it.
It's very strange, and would come in waves. It's still a type of feeling that I cannot fully explain or put into the proper words that would describe how I felt, but mourn seems fitting for what it was like. I think the part of my past life that I missed the most was the freedom that you have when you do not have children. My husband and I would go to dinner on a whim on a Thursday night if he got home early from work one day. We could never not plan dinner ahead of time now. I missed waking up in the morning and having my me time that I do not get anymore-I'm not sure the last time I had even a minute to myself in the morning (I think the morning before Jack was born would be the last). I even missed being able to FaceTime my mom whenever I wanted to.
And I felt so much guilt for feeling this way. I remember thinking, "I love this little boy more than anything in the world, how can I possibly feel so sad about what I had before him?" I tried to just brush the feelings away, but they always came back to me, and always came with that mom guilt (mom guilt is literally the worst ). Talking with other moms helped a lot, because so many people said that they had felt the same way, and also couldn't explain why. It's funny how, societally, marriage doesn't really change anything about your life (if you're already living together), but having a baby changes absolutely everything. Sometimes my husband and I will talk late at night (8:30 pm) in bed about the things we used to do together. It's nice to sort of mourn our past life together, but in a positive way. I love that we shared a life before Jack, but I love the life we share with Jack so much more.
14 months postpartum now and I do not mourn my old life, but rather I mourn the early days coming home from the hospital and being on maternity leave. I was in the thick of it then, but I'd give anything to be back home with my sweet newborn. It's quite interesting and rather amazing how the different phases of your life come with different types of mourning and guilt. Although there are some aspects of life pre-Jack that I wish I could get back (uninterrupted sleep) there is truly nothing better than being his mama. I am so excited for the day I can sign up Jack for his first tee-ball practice. There is nothing better than bringing Jack to breakfast on Saturday mornings. Car-rides are so much more entertaining with him singing along in the back to his music class songs. Honestly, nothing beats this. So if you're an expecting mama or have just given birth, it is OKAY to mourn your life before baby. Just know, the best is truly yet to come. Just wait.
xo Courtney
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