Waking up this morning felt strange. I felt excited for Jack. Last night was truly magical for him. We went to my aunts house, as we have since I was a baby myself. My mom is one of 8 children and would you believe every single sibling was there, along with nearly every single niece and nephew and grand-niece and nephew. The house was packed. But I couldn't stop thinking to myself how goddamn special is this and how lucky are we? Seeing Jack running around with his cousins makes my mama heart absolutely burst.
We go home and it's late, but it's Christmas. I told myself to let bedtime go, let Jack enjoy this Christmas. He goes to sleep fairly easily, what a beautiful Christmas gift for us!
My husband and I haul up all the gifts from the basement, most I didn't wrap this year (maybe next year, right?). He won't care anyways. I laid out everything to look nice under and around our tree. Then we sit on the couch for a moment.
Sadness immediately flushed through my body the moment I sit down. One month ago tomorrow we were delivering our sleeping baby. One month ago tomorrow our whole life changed in a way that I didn't plan or want. I began crying and my husband tells me that we should be happy. We have Jack and we should be grateful. I think when dealing with loss, especially in this form, men don't entirely understand the gaping whole that is created in your heart from something being taken from you that was growing inside of your own body.
So, I'm sure he meant well and just wanted me to enjoy Christmas with him and I probably ruined his happiness for that moment, but I continue to tell myself it's okay to be sad. It's okay for this to not make everything better. Because I am often sad and it's not okay. Is Christmas still beautiful with our son? Yes. Have I absolutely loved seeing him say hi to every different type of Santa in-person, on tv, at the store, on the street? Yes (with a HO HO HO at the end, so silly). But that does not and will not just take away the pain of losing my second son. It's not fair and it's not okay.
Christmas will feel different this year, and probably every year for the rest of my life, as anyone who has lossed someone, especially around this time of year, can understand. I will continue with all of the days festivities with my little family and our extended family that I am so grateful to have. I will smile, laugh, talk, eat yummy food, and enjoy the day. But when Jack goes to sleep tonight I know that I'll breakdown. I know that I'll be thinking of my baby in Heaven. I should be pregnant, half way there by now. Our future has shifted so quickly and it's still hard to comprehend. But today will still be a different kind of special that we didn't prepare for.
Xo Courtney
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