It's been one week since the delivery of our baby boy and nothing is any easier. I of course didn't think it would be, but I'm starting to feel angry and impatient. Angry that this is happening to us and inpatient for healing. I just want to feel better. And then I feel guilty for wanting to push away the pain of losing our baby boy in the way that we did. I also feel guilt because we have a healthy, happy, wonderful little Jack Jack at home whom we are eternally grateful for, yet I can't shake this awful sadness that just plagues my entire body.
Yesterday was one week to the day. And it was a really hard, terrible day. My grief came in the form of random bursts of sadness sporadically throughout the day, followed by a panic attack before bed. I truly did not know that this type of grief would affect me in the way that it has, but here we are. It's also hard grieving in different ways than my husband, but trying to understand the way he needs to grieve as well. There are so many layers to this grief that I am still processing and will take me a lot of time. I don't love that time is not on my side.
Things that have been helpful- family and friends sending texts to let us know they are thinking of us. Offering an ear to listen when we are ready. The food deliveries and gift cards from our extremely kind and generous tribe so that we don't have to think about what we're eating that day. Big shout out to everyone for the Starbucks gift cards as mornings have been my toughest times and I've been absolutely destroying our bank account by getting a coffee every day. It truly makes all of the difference in my morning, though, so I am giving myself that, along with grace.
Things that have not been helpful, would be people recommending how I cope with my loss. If I don't ask you, don't think I want your advice. I do not.
Four days after I delivered baby L I went back to work. I can honestly say it's been a healthy and wonderful distraction, and my coworkers have been absolutely fabulous. I really, and truly don't know what I would do without them right now.
To all the friends that I have felt comfortable enough in reaching out to, to discuss my grief, I appreciate everything you've said and am truly just so grateful for your help and strategies to help support me.
Today it hit me that Christmas Day will be one month since we had to say goodbye to Baby L and I'm just not sure at all how to process this. Being around people is really hard right now. I'm not sure how we are going to get through this day in one piece. But I know we will. I know we have to. I know that we have all the love and support of family and friends. I just don't want to feel guilt in being sad on a day that should be magical for Jack. I don't want to take that away from him. So we will do our best as a family to make this Christmas season special for him. Seeing Christmas through Jacks eyes has been one of the most healing parts of this process so far. I've booked several activities to continue to do with Jack to make sure that we make this whole month a special one, filled with joy and love and brightness. Jack is too young to understand this now, but he has truly saved me in my darkest time. I will never forget this.
Xo Courtney
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