This is f*cking facts. And I'm about to scream it from the mountain tops. If you are not sleeping, it is nearly impossible to be mentally healthy, especially as a new or working mom. Like, holy shit, this stuff is hard. Also-I don't really care if you agree with me or not. And if you don't, your baby probably slept through the night the first month. In which case, you do not understand where I'm coming from. Unless you have had a least a couple of months at a time where your baby was up at least twice during the night, this post is not for you. This one is for all the mama's who wonder why they are mentally struggling right now, or look back on their time with their little one when they were in the thick of it, and remember how goddamn hard it was to keep it all together when we can barely keep our heads above the water.
When I went back to work in September, Jack was waking 2-3 times a night. I was still pumping about every 4 hours, too. I honestly look back on those several months as very dark times for me (maybe this is why my husband thinks I'm crazy for wanting another baby-but I do!). Being a working, pumping, no-sleep mama is hard.fucking.work. I also want to reiterate that not only was I working (still am), but was primary caretaker for my son for morning routine, drop-off routine, pick-up routine, and dinner/prep for the following day routine (again, still am most days). There is not enough time in the f*cking day to do this all safely and efficiently, trust me. I never resented my husband for his long working days, even though I would absolutely complain and cry, but damn, it was f*cking tough. It's not for the faint of heart, that much I know.
I'd say we are still in the thick of it, but let me tell you what's different, and why I feel like a lighter, happier person. There are many factors, I believe, that go into ones happiness and mental health. In January, I took a giant f*cking leap of faith (actually it wasn't that giant) and quit my job to work in a new school district. I was miserable at my old school. I wanted to stick it out until the end of the year, but an opportunity totally fell right into my damn lap and I couldn't at least try. I said to myself, "If they pick me, it was meant to be". And it's safe to say that 4 months later, that leap of faith changed the trajectory of my life and my mental health for me and my family. I will forever be grateful for this opportunity arising when it did, when I was stuck in the goddamn trenches of hell, burning.
Winter is always so damn depressing too, right? It's hard for anyone-low vitamin D levels, no sun, no happiness. Rainy, cloudy days make anyone depressed, I'm sure of it. So this, coupled with a toxic work environment was surely part of my mental health issues. But also during this time, Jack was waking about every three hours at night and nursing back to sleep every.single.wake-up. If only my husband had the power of the boob. Perhaps it would have saved me some darkness. But alas, that's not the case. So every 3 hours, baby Jack would be waking up to nurse. And I felt like by the time I would actually get back to sleep, he was up again! I would quite literally sleep when the baby slept and that was not a solution to any of my sleep problems. I would even go to sleep when we put him to bed at 7:30-8:00 at night. He still woke up every three f*cking hours.
Looking back on this blip of time in my life, I am not sure how I functioned at my high-stress job. I am not sure how I made the split-second decisions that I had to while kiddos were in crisis to keep the rest of the children, and themselves, safe. I am not sure how I implemented lessons and taught them new skills each day. But I did it (with a lot of support from the best paraprofessionals ever honestly). But it was no easy task. Let me tell you something-when they designed the 40 hour work week, they did not design them with working moms in mind. Like at all. There is not enough time in the day to do everything we need to do for our jobs and for our families. There's just not. I also often find myself jealous of WFH mamas. I know you have it hard too, trust me, but not being home all day (both of us-about 8-4:30) leaves a lot of tasks for when we are home and for the weekends. It's a f*cking scramble at night. I always joke to my husband "If only there were cameras in our house too see the mad-dash). But hey, if anyone has a secret magical formula to all of this, plz send my way, because I'm still figuring it out.
Things are much, much, much easier now, though. And I want to tell you why. SLEEP. I am telling you. It is life changing. The sleep is absolutely everything. YES I changed jobs and I am so much happier and there is no longer that dark cloud over my head, but the pressure is absolutely real still. Yes I am no longer pumping during work as well, and I do think that this helps tremendously as well (a conversation for another day), but the SLEEP, oh my god the sleep, it is absolutely everything. Jack started sleeping [mostly] through the night again when he turned one and got his ear-tube surgery (about 10 hours a night). He still has his nights, don't get me wrong, but when they are few and further between, it's so frickin helpful.
I think it might have taken me a few month to even catch up on that backlogged sleep, too. But when I did, I seriously and totally felt like a brand new damn human. I wanted to stay up later and watch shows with my husband again (and I'm completely caught up with the VPR Scandoval drama and took some deep-dives late-night doing my researching-I'm absolutely engrossed in it tbh), I wanted to organize the house more, do the laundry, even start working out again. This is all because I had so much more energy to do so. But gosh, how very important your sleep is, mama. Please don't forget this.
Yes, we still scramble morning and night. My brother always says this to me and I totally agree-it is a grind. Being a working mama truly is a grind. We are certainly not thriving right now, (sure we have our moments and our days, and even our weeks!) but man, we are surviving. I am just so happy to report that my mental health is out of the trenches, and I am in such a happy, blessed space within my life. Being a mommy is the best blessing that this world has given me, and I choose to wear the title with great pride. I admire other mama's for what they do as well. Honestly, it's the hardest, most wonderful, most exhausting, most humbling thing that I have ever done in my 30 years of life. No days off, your only break is your job (I guess I should go on more date nights), and those little beings are totally dependent on you. What a concept, am I right?
Now go catch up on that sleep.
xo Courtney
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